Less than an hour ago my psychiatrist told me that I’m done with my anxiety meds. Within literally 3 minutes I went from elated to proud to doubtful. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of myself for the progress I’ve made with my mental health in the last 2 years but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared without my medication crutch beside me. I’ve been on meds for 2 years and they have helped me immensely. I’ve said this before but if you are on meds you are not less than. I wanted to go off to see if I felt better on or off them.
When I started my meds I was crying nearly every day, I hyperventilated as a test was being circled around the room, and I had constant thoughts of inadequacy because I compared myself to so many people. Now? Now I smile every day, cry sometimes because I’m an emotional human, feel confident in my studying as the exam is being passed around the room, and I’m content with myself as human.
Meds were not the only thing that helped this transition happen. The meds kept me calm enough to learn about myself and how to cope with my feelings in a constructive way. They let me sign up for therapy, try and fall in love with yoga and meaningful movement, quit my Zumba instructor license because it didn’t make me happy anymore, look at my body in the mirror and say “this is my body, it’s pretty cool!” and they let me feel negative emotions and sit with them but also move on to other emotions.
(Whole Wheat Banana Bread from Lee– I think she’s super cool!)
What I realized in this half hour post appointment is that what I need to do now is trust myself.
I’m eating the food my body craves whenever it craves it, I’m moving in a way I enjoy, I’m surrounding myself with the people I want to be surrounded by, and I’m choosing activities that make me happy, not another person. I used to do this thing where I wanted to please others so much I forgot that pleasing myself was important too. Let me tell you, pleasing others will bring you little joy. Doing what makes you happy is the most important and then and only then can we think of others. Selfish? No. I believe that before we can focus on others or help others we need to help ourselves or at least begin to help ourselves so we can be open and ready.
(This cooking light salad for dinner one night this week- LOVED IT)
So I’m writing this to mark a happy time in my life. If you are struggling with any sort of mental health issue do yourself a favor and ask for help. I promise you won’t regret it and there is nothing wrong with it! I am happier than I have ever been and I feel like life is sort of my oyster right now. Go out and trust yourself because you are more than capable of doing so.
(Birthday dinner at Bacari one of my favorite places!)