I’ve decided it’s time for a break. My therapist and I just started to discuss the pressure I perceive in my life and the pressure that is there and not going away versus the pressure I put on myself and can take off for bit to give me a break. My anxiety has come back with a vengeance these last few months as the pressure of finishing grad school, interning, keeping up with friends and relationships, constancelyeating, futurizing about my internship or career, volunteering for the Y and AYSO, teaching 2 classes, writing a thesis, babysitting, it’s all just too much. The anxiety isn’t in the form of panic attacks like undergrad it’s more of a constant buzzing in my brain that I can’t turn off. It’s super annoying and I can’t find peace….anywhere. I’ve pretty much hit a wall and realized I need to take as much off my plate as I can so that I can just be diligent with my work and with what I need to be doing right now, not in a few months and certainly not in a few years.
(My grad school friends have become close friends these past 2 years and its weird that we will all be in different hospitals for the next year vs. sitting next to each other in classes- still trying to process how things are changing and I’m soaking up lots of time with them while we have it!)
A lot of my perceived pressure is the pressure I put on myself to be better and to figure out what’s going to set me apart as an RD from all the other wonderful practitioners out there. You know what’s wrong with that thought? That’s literally a problem for NEXT YEAR or LONGER. Between now and next year I have to finish my course work and finish a 1,200 hour internship before I have to even seriously sit down with those thoughts. Sure, I can pursue my passions in nutrition and read literature and have experiences as an intern and 23 (almost 24) year old that eventually gets me there but spending serious mental energy comparing myself and stressing myself out right this minute isn’t helping me get anywhere.
Another thing that isn’t totally necessary is me writing in this space. I felt like I should be writing here versus actually wanting to write here. What I do love is instagram! You can catch me on stories every day and I post often about food or people that inspire me or outfits I love so for now I’ll be present there versus here.
(I FINALLY got to ride the paddle boats at Echo Park lake- I don’t know why it took me so long to do it? Trying to do more things without an occasion).
I’ve put off working on my thesis till I get a way better handle on my last 3 big assignments of my school CAREER! Thesis isn’t due till I graduate a year from now so I have some time to chill out- I still want it done before August though. I’ll be done with course work in May and man, I’m excited. I’ll be heading to Chicago for June to get away from the hustle and bustle of LA to a slower and more walkable place where I feel really at peace. Cubs games, lake days, lunches with friends, family time, can’t wait!
I’m focusing on the friends that give me the most life and focusing on doing things that make me happy versus focusing on the things I feel like I should be doing or things I did and that I might regret. Life is too damn short and I want to enjoy it- even the little moments that I don’t feel like are super important because I feel like I’m going to look back and they will have been more important than I thought.
So for now I’m focusing on school, teaching, interning, instagram, and trying to be gentle with the way I talk to myself and treat myself. I think therapy is going to help me a lot with slowing down and re-framing some of those negative comparison thoughts. Maybe some of you can relate to this? I hope to come back here every now and again but for the time being I’m taking a little break or at least taking the pressure off myself to post 🙂
Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate!
(Margs to celebrate my best friend finishing her career as a Nurses Aid and onto her next adventure with nursing school in Philadelphia for the next 14 months. Trying to soak up my last month with her close by and working on knowing that our next year is going to be hard but good. Clinicals for the both of us! )