I spent this weekend in Ogden Dunes, Indiana again with my family for Fathers day. It was special and I had several great conversations and experiences that were really thought provoking. I thought I would share them with you.
The first experience was with brownies. I know, what major life decisions can come out of brownies you may ask? Actually, lots. So a little backstory with brownies. My grandma makes the ones from Ghiradelli and they are my FAVORITE EVER. Back in the days of my eating disorder they were my worst enemy because I would go ham and eat half a baking dish of them and then feel immense feelings of guilt and feel the need to compensate by way of exercise, usually. Part of that nasty restrict, binge, cycle. Over time through working through becoming an intuitive eater and finally reaching recovery from that part of my life, the brownies and I met again this weekend. I’m sure we had met several times prior to this weekend but this time I felt like really thinking back to my past time with these brownies and sitting with those feelings and comparing those feelings to where I am now.
So yeah, I ate a lot of brownies. It wasn’t a super peaceful experience because I did eat them a little chaotically but no one is perfect. I also ended up being fuller than I would have liked but instead of dwelling on that feeling I dwelled on the following feelings.
The fact that the brownies were SO GOOD. The eating experience was also awesome- surrounded by my family. The fact that I allowed myself to have as many as I darn pleased and I never felt deprived nor any sort of guilt- I did not steal the brownies. The fact that I just walked right up to bed and cozied in with my book and sat with the full feelings knowing it would go away in a few hours. Fullness is not bad and it’s ok to not reach that perfect satisfaction all the time. You win some you loose some. I had more of this objective look on my life and it was really cool. If you are working through the intuitive eating principals know that its possible to reach a point of peace in your life too!
The second experience was my favorite. I was out in the middle of Lake Michigan on a little sunfish (a small sailboat) with my uncle and cousin sans technology and I swear to you I had several life realizations in that moment. The most notable was deciding to give myself a chance. I have been really, I mean really wrestling with the idea of where I want to move after graduation because I would like to give myself some space to grow. I don’t have any major stressors in my life right now with very little distractions and I have lots of time to think so I think that’s why this thought is more on my mind than ever before.
The choice is sort of this… Family or me. I am a very giving human and being close to family has to be one of my most favorite things in the world. Moving back to Chicago or staying in LA would mean I have lots of family to do life with and some familiarity. Chicago also means moving back to a city I know well, have lived in for 4 years, and its super safe. Safe in the sense that it’s comfortable- not literally- Chicago is really not safe- ha!
The other choice is a new city. A city that I have a few close friends in and nothing more. In other words it’s an opportunity to grow and breathe and try all the new things. I really want that and I want to give myself that chance. I would be giving up family and familiarity though, and that’s super hard for me. Out on that lake though I was high on life and realizing that I will be 25 at the time of moving, graduating with my MASTERS, and becoming an RD. What’s one more new thing on the table? I try it for a year and then if I hate it I move home to LA or to Chicago where I feel comfy.
I just had this little moment of pepping myself up saying- you deserve some time to be a little selfish. Not in a way that’s self-centered but in a way that’s full of growing experiences and excitement. Robyn said this awesome thing that I will forever be grateful for. Make decisions out of freedom, not fear. Chicago is filled with a some fear. Fear of missing out. Fear of missing good days in my grandparents/older relatives lives. Fear of missing my cousin Ella grow up. Fear of missing my friends here and seeing them live it up on social media. Fear of missing familiarity. Chicago has more than fear in that choice (there is SO MUCH LOVE HERE) but there’s a lot of fear there. Moving somewhere else also has fear- fear of being lonely, of feeling scared, of little to nothing being familiar and comfortable BUT it also has way more freedom.
I’m not making any decisions for a few months- were talking Feb or Much 2019 BUT it’s on my mind and I thought I would write it down in case anyone was wresting with some big decisions and you had some fear vs. freedom thoughts. I have no idea what will happen in the next few months in my life but if there’s anything I’ve learned from getting to know myself better is that sitting with emotions and thoughts is incredibly important. Suppressing emotions only leads to feeling blocked. Letting them out allows you to look at them objectively and see what you are really thinking and really feeling.
Whatever choice I end up making will be a great choice with ups and downs to that choice and I’m cool with that.
So here’s to the potential for new freedom mixed with a little fear and A LOT of exciting things to come.
Happy Tuesday 🙂