If you are a person who thrives off of their G-cal and written to-do lists during the week and gets a bit antsy and anxious with an unplanned weekend- this post may resonate with you. This post stemmed from reflecting on the patterns of activities that I’ve engaged in on weekends that culminate to a Sunday evening sigh of relief that means “wow, that was a wonderful weekend”.

Obviously this post resembles an ideal list of happenings on my weekend. Sometimes life happens and I’ll have a weekend filled with writing a thesis or prepping for a huge presentation which is not in any way shape or form relaxing to me but such is life. You may read this and be like what? None of this resonates with me. You may especially feel like that if you are a spontaneous person. I am not spontaneous unless it involves a random ice cream run in sweat pants- lol!

I’m also not saying the way I live my weekend should be how you live yours but rather I’m showing you that for a type A person, having a bit of a rhythm is helpful. Helpful in moving you along to engage in your favorite activities rather than sitting there on Saturday morning overwhelmed by wanting to do your favorite things yet feeling to overwhelmed to get them organized.

Before describing this, I do want to say that over scheduling my life is actually a way that I enable and feed my anxiety. Maybe you do this too? It’s taken a lot of therapy for me to realize that being overcommitted to extra stuff is a way I can be so busy that I don’t have time to feel my feelings I’m trying to avoid. Not only is this not productive, it’s not healthy. I’ve learned that the only way out is through and to get over the hump of some bad stuff that inevitably happens in life you just have to face it head on. So this post is not feeding that horrible habit I have- it actually helps me be more present and less scheduled. I’ve also cut WAY back on my commitments this year and it really has been glorious but also hard- not so many distractions.

It took me till pushing 25 that recognizing a week day schedule works really well and more of a weekend rhythm works well so that I have the ability to ease into a weekend, Connie style. Leaving myself with no plans often leads me to an anxiety attack with the social media comparison monster fueling that (which is another thing I’m working on).

So, just like a loose meal plan can help you provide nourishing, flexible, and satisfying meals for yourself, so too can giving yourself a weekend mold to know what components you need on your life plate to be satisfied.

For me, I found that wherever I am in life the following 6 things when included in a weekend likely make for a sigh of relief that I’m feeling right now.

1. Connection with friends and or family. Both is a bonus! I know that I thrive best from in person social connection and once I have that my heart feels all warm and fuzzy inside. I live with my parents currently, so at the very least I see them and often I’ll visit my Oma (Dad’s mom) and take her to lunch. I do try and get away from the house and remember that I’m 24, not 42 so I plan a happy hour or hike with a friend or group hangout if multiple people are available. If I can’t get the in person connection because all my friends are actually kicking booty in their careers leaving them needing some introverted time after a 60+ hour work or school week, I plan a call with a friend or family member on a walk. Many of my friends and family live out of state and connecting them monthly is important to me.
2. Getting outside. Rain or shine I need to be outside. I need air. I’ve noticed that RDs don’t have the best work places! I mean for my rotation year I was inside a sweaty HOT kitchen all day, in the basement of a very large hospital next to the morgue, or in a back windowless office. I don’t see the light of day for hours on end and the weekend is a time where I can make some extended outside time to clear my head and lungs. I’ll take walks, a fun hike, or lay outside and get some Vitamin D if possible.
3. Eating or drinking something fun! Whether it’s a donut I have to drive to the west side of LA for or a new restaurant that makes killer lattes, trying something out of the ordinary is a nice way to change up my taste buds. Like most people, I eat pretty much the same stuff during the week so the weekends are a welcome time for new flavors.
4. Getting a few mundane tasks checked off real quick! Laundry, Marie Kondo-ing my closet again, grading papers, returning stuff that I ordered online that didn’t fit. Whatever it is, it needs to get done and I just prefer to rip of the bandaid and get the necessary stuff done in one sweep. Doing this on Saturday morning after I’ve had my first cup of coffee makes Sunday a lot less scary.
5. Joyful movement. This is a must for me most of the time. Since my rotations have really kept me working 10-12 hour days that include breaks and the drive home, I am so pooped by the time I get home there is nothing left for me to move my body with. Weekends I have more energy stored up so I can take a nice relaxing yoga class or a longer walk. Nothing intense really ever happens though- I’m trying to maximize my relaxation here and cortisol release isn’t part of that for me.
6. Time to do absolutely nothing. You need time to read a great book, take a NAP, gosh I love naps, or watch some shows that make you feel all the things. Season 3 of Queer Eye just came out and I am well on my way to finishing it. Sometimes I need a long bath, sometimes, I need to start a new show and just not move off the couch.

So those things when part of my weekend make me feel like I was out and about and taking time for myself. Do you have a weekend rhythm that makes for a satisfied Sunday evening? I would love to know!

It’s no secret that I was terrified of clinicals. Like shaking in my boots terrified. I think I had just worked up the idea in my head for so long it set me up perfectly for thinking it would be terrible- honestly I do this with a lot of things in my life. Everyone’s experience is different. This is mine. I hope this gives you just another perspective to add to your mental image of what your internship might be. I hope you see that I grew as a student, clinician, and person through this. None of it was perfect but I gave it my all!

I was placed at Kaiser Permanente Los Angeles Medical Center, a very large, high acuity hospital in Hollywood, CA. On any given day there are 8 RDs on staff and each of them covers a different unit or group of units. I was able to see and work on every floor and pretty much every unit of the hospital from the short stay observation unit (SSOU), Telemetry, Oncology, ICU, Cardic, Cardiac ICU, Neuro, Neuro ICU, Pediatrics, Pediatric ICU. I really felt like I had the experience of pretty low key days to the most intense case days- no inbetween. I did a lot of tube feeding recommendations and cardiac education. I pretty much did those two things every day and then got some different stuff like IBS flare ups, metastatic cancer, and actually quite a few liver cases and lots of stroke. I also want to note I did not do any 1:1 care with pediatrics at any time- I only shadowed for 2 days. Peds is a whole different ball game and I learned I did not like that game. I love kids with so much of my heart but working with them in an inpatient setting isn’t where I feel most at home.

My first week I was put in the kitchen on the try line, then with the diet clerks and sterile formula room, and then with the ambassadors. Kaiser uses room service so an ambassador comes to the room, takes the patients order (within the restrictions- be that a fluid restriction,sodium, or carb count), and that  is sent down to the tray line to then come up in an hour or so to be delivered. I LOVED shadowing that day. I was on peds with the most amazing employee. He lit up a room, every family knew him, and the kids just wanted to chat. I have never seen someone enjoy their job more in my entire life and I left that day just thinking how lucky Kaiser is to have this man who brings such joy to an icky place like the hospital.

After that first week it was time to learn how to be an inpatient RD. I was on Telemetry and the SSOU. I had the absolute hardest time learning how to write a chart note. Truly, it took me HOURS. I could only get to 2 patients a day and bless the sweet RD who had to deal with me that week.  I had to learn what charts to look at- where to find intake and output, how to find what meds were relevant to the patient’s status, what labs were relevant, how they were pooping, if they were even pooping, did they vomit recently?, does their digestive system work?, can they talk? and I had to read though dozens of other notes from the nurses, doctors, and other members of the multidisciplinary team to determine my plan of care. Saying this was a steep learning curve would be an understatement. I was struggling.

That first week was so overwhelming I can’t recall a lot but I know I was on my own on day 2. I just remember very early on, day 1 or 2, the RD saying “ok, you do the next one, I’ll wait outside! Like, OK WHAT?. I have to say my people skills saved me here. Also I listened and jotted down every question she asked her patient that I saw just before my turn and then just regurgitated those and wrote down the answers. Of course I missed some stuff and realized that later but I started to realize this was how it was going to be. Me trying and thinking I was doing an ok job, and then being like CONNIE, you forgot to ask the nurse if the patient was able to take meds orally, AGAIN. It was just a constant uphill battle.

Weeks 3-4 were on Oncology, Neuro, and some liver transplant stuff. I was getting better at preparing myself before entering a patient’s room but I was still relying heavily on my papers that I had pre-charted on. It was still taking me all 8+ hours of the day to finish 3-4 patients. I was now fully able to do my patients by myself though. I knew how to contact nurses and speech pathologists and just get more ok with being an intern who is doing her best. I became better at reading labs, specifically renal labs and general markers of inflammation, and pressure ulcers and I were becoming BFFs. I could predict the different questions I would ask for the different cases and would tailor them. I still needed help reading through and correcting a lot of notes. I got some stuff wrong and my PES statements were not very strong.

Week 5-6 were Cardiac and  general ICU. I was learning way more about lab values and indicators of heart failure and what that meant nutritionally for a patient. There was a lab value everyone used that I never heard once in MNT. The ICU was the scariest thing I had ever done. The patients were so critical I was always missing something that seemed so obvious when pointed out to me. I cried a lot ICU week. The pressure of that unit too was palpable. People were holding on for dear life in there and you could feel it. I was doing a lot of tube feeds and cardiac diet education those weeks.

Week 7 was big. The RDs went on strike which left me, the director, and relief staff that had never stepped into Kaiser before or worked the charting system. The cool part about this week was I was able to lead the relief staff around! I was like woah… connie, YOU KNOW THINGS! I knew PES statements, I knew how to do education, I knew how to find and assess labs. I covered 2 units completely by myself and did 7-8 patients that whole week with minimal chart note edits (I think I saved it on instagram stories!). I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud. I cried for the first time in public that week though as a family broke down in front of me as their loved one just suffered a stroke as I walked in to introduce myself from food and nutrition services to check on tube feeds. I have never felt so much raw emotion and felt so unequipped to answer the things they asked. I just turned on my human skills and offered my condolences and let them have space. When I think back on it I wish I would have offered a hug, I wish I would have told them that tube feeding isn’t the end all be all but it’s the way their loved one needed energy for the next few days and weeks before swallowing might happen again, I wish I would have just been better. But, I wasn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong I just could have approached it better and I was mad at myself. So I cried in the neuro ICU hallway for a sec feeling confused. I’m only an intern!

Weeks 8-11 were good. I was definitely leaps and bounds ahead of where I started but I still needed help on my “clinical judgement”. Like for example, standing my ground on which tube feeding formula was best for my patient and why and how much and when. I was in so many ICU rooms I lost count. I ended up choosing  my case study from an ICU patient that was the most complicated to me.

I understood nothing about her. She was in acute respiratory distress, septic shock, had an esophageal stricture, and cardio-renal syndrome + more. I have never heard of a patient having so many things wrong with them at once. They don’t teach you this in MNT. I knew nothing and I wanted to know it all. In my recommendations I ended up recommending a tube feed and a TPN. The doctors had to choose one- she hasn’t been fed for a long time, was malnourished upon admission, and it was approaching max time without being fed in an acute care setting. So I thought it would be great to see my intervention actually go through. I spent hours and hours learning about her and finally understanding the intricacies of her diagnoses. I read every single note from the critical care team till I figured it out for myself. It was truly fascinating for me. I delivered my presentation a few weeks later and thank her for giving me confidence.

I would encourage every intern out there to just say yes. Do the hard patients, act like you know your shit even when you don’t. The biggest piece of information I received from my preceptors was me needing to be more confident. They never knew if I was fully understanding because I kept saying “ok”. When I say “ok” a million times that means I’m probably about to cry and I’m just saying stuff so it looks like I’m in fact doing ok- but im not. So yeah, that was me for 11 weeks. You are going to mess up, like 102837364% going to mess up and you have the choice to learn from it or sulk. Ok, you totally have permission to sulk, but then pick it back up and push through! You will finish and I promise it will have been a worthwhile experience. I loved the RDs at Kaiser. They were firm yet kind and so knowledgeable. I feel lucky to have learned from them and I appreciated the grace they gave me as I learned. It takes a lot to be a preceptor. You have to do your normal job and then check to make sure your intern didn’t hurt anyone because at the end of the day they are the ones who co-sign your notes.

I have lots of tips and tricks for you in Part 2! Stuff like what I studied, what I did to get better for the next week, how to learn different preceptors styles, and more!

Welcome to the dietetic intern series! I’m answering your questions from instagram and giving you my insight from each rotation in hopes that you might have a better idea of what you are walking into or to just show you what I’ve been up to this year.

Oofh. What a year. Before I get into the details of every rotation I’ll explain what being a dietetic intern means. For those of you who maybe aren’t familiar with the amount of schooling that goes into becoming a Registered Dietitian, this is the last leg of the journey.

This is different for everyone and I’ll do a dedicated post on that too. Part 1: Nutrition coursework (1.5 years). Part 2: Nutrition masters course work (1 year). The LAST year is 1,200 hours of 4 different rotations in the nutrition field to be able to take the exam that will determine out futures… no pressure though.

The rotations are the following – Foodservice/Administrative, Clinical, Outpatient, and Elective.

I did my admin/foodservice rotation at Glendale Unified School District From August-October 2018 which was great since it was so close to my house, or so I thought. One of the things I realized early on was that at least as a dietetic intern in LA, you need a car and you might be expected to drive said car – A LOT. I think I had a unique experience in my rotation in that I was in the kitchen most every day with the regular food service staff. I drove sometimes to 4-5 kitchen sites a day depending on what I was doing and I used a lot of gas. Since I was an intern, I wasn’t reimbursed for anything. I was never notified of this prior to my rotation and thank goodness I was able to pay for gas and had a car. What if you had an intern who needed to take the bus? You literally could not do this rotation unless you ubered. So bottom line, ask if you will be traveling during the day and be prepared.

I’ve said this before stories but I have an incredible amount of respect for kitchen workers. The work is not glamorous, you are on your feet ALL DAY, and you are doing the same thing over and over, smelling the same smells. By week 10 I was nauseated by the smell in the kitchens so much so that I had no desire to eat on my lunch breaks. Think about making 1,000 burgers and then being offered food to eat. Like no thank you?

A Typical Day

My typical day consisted of coming into the main office- working on a task I had been assigned like creating a menu for the Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Program or flyer for a new menu item then by a certain time usually 10 am, I would head out to a kitchen site and work there till about 1:30 pm. That work consisted of food prep for the following day and current day. Some days I took inventory and received shipments from vendors and helped check every item in, some days I was just like any other kitchen worker- assigned a series of tasks usually in frozen food prep. I learned how to work the POS machines that did the breakfast and lunch transactions for the kids so I could have my own lunch line. I also got really darn good at the 3 compartment sink, cleaning my areas (there is a specific way), and knowing where every item in the giant kitchen belonged. I learned what temperatures were appropriate for what cleaner, what temperature items needed to be to be safe (no food borne illnesses plz), which items could be salvaged after lunch and which items needed to be thrown away.

I would then change out of my kitchen safe shoes, pants, apron, hairnet, and shirt back into business casual to come back and work on those same morning tasks or get new tasks. I started at 7 am and left at 3:30 pm and for the first about 5 weeks I came home so exhausted that I collapsed on the floor and coulden’t make it to gym classes. I was POOPED.

General Reminders:

Gloves for everything. If you touch any part of your body, hair, or clothes, you need to re-wash you hands when working with food.

Be as kind as you can even when you literally never want to look at and count another frozen meat patty every again. Most food service sites get a lot of interns and they are pretty jaded by the experience. They really get tired of explaining where everything is again to a new person, the interns are slow compared to a worker who has been plating tater tots and working the payment system for 10 years, and you are the youngest person in the room likely by 15-30 years. It’s important to smile, be wiling to help with ANYTHING- yes even scrubbing squashed kidney beans off the floor after the lunch hour, and try and get to know the personal stories of the workers there. By you wanting to know about them they want you to be there and start to enjoy your presence too. The ladies told me they liked me because I talked to them, ate their Armenian bread breakfasts with them, and knew their names and where everything was. They told me that what they didn’t like about other interns was that they kept to themselves, were rude, and didn’t try and blend in with each kitchen culture (they are all so different). I ended up working at 3 kitchens regularly so that I knew something personal about almost every worker in there and could ask how their kids soccer games were going, how their daughters engagement parry planning was going, or if they enjoyed their weekend with their husband.

Get to know the office culture. Every place you go is going to be very different. Try and just be a neutral observer to what’s happening around you and adapt accordingly (except don’t get involved in the gossip if you can help it- there will always be gossip- remember neutral observer). Try and learn every person’s name and something about them. Share stuff about yourself too and offer to help with literally anything. Again, you are at their service. Remember, they are helping you become an RD at the end of the day!

A gossip note: You WILL be told office gossip. Just zip your lips and listen and nod. You do not need to spread that stuff anywhere BECAUSE you will likely be told various angles of the gossip and also you don’t want to burn any bridges. In every rotation I have been told gossip- sometimes I’m stuck hearing all sides of the gossip too- yikes. You are a very impermanent part of the organization so it’s best to just realize that people like to talk and they need an ear. You can support and be empathetic and then just push it out of your brain!

Questions from you:

Did you have any special projects in this rotation?

Yep! I enjoyed making a menu for the Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Program for the month of September- a federally assisted program that helps expose elementary school kids to exotic produce! I got to see if things like dragonfruit and kiwi berries were in the budget and made it work for the amount of students attending. Another intern Maddie and I (GUSD always had more than 1 intern at 1 time- the rest of my rotations I have been alone) were assigned the task of taking inventory of the kitchens. That was hard work. We went into every kitchen, had to check for bar codes of expensive items like ovens, label everything, and record in a GIANT spreadsheet. That took us the last few weeks and we only made a dent in maybe 10 schools? I also made bulletin boards for every elementary school to be displayed in the kitchens. I had a new menu item flyer to make about every week too- I used canva A LOT. I was also there to experiment and lead the Share Table at different school sites where students can give back their unopened food for other kids to enjoy if they are still hungry in an effort to reduce food waste. There is SO MUCH FOOD WASTE.

What were your preceptors expectations of you?

I was expected to show up on time, dress appropriately (business casual), be ready and willing to help with any task, and to be open to learning and criticism. I wasn’t expected to know anything crazy for this rotation. This one was more about how I can be a kind person who is eager to to help and assist and just absorb and learn.

Tips on adjusting to different styles of preceptors?

Oh this is very important. This was my first exposure to a preceptor. She was great! She graduated from my program and was very smart and poised. I learned that I had to ask this very important statement/question because some preceptors will tell you when you are doing well- some will not. Thank you for that helpful feedback, could you also tell me areas that I am excelling in?

Let me just tell you this right now- you will receive SO MUCH constructive criticism this year. Some of it might cut right through you if you are in a vulnerable position that day and you may feel like you suck and aren’t doing well. I promise you if you are trying your best, you are doing good enough. You just may need to ask for examples of things you are doing well. Some people just assume you know if they didn’t criticize something that means it was good. I am not a person who is ok with that. I need a gentle pat on the back or a “thank you Connie, this is great!” for me to be like “ok, phew, they don’t hate me, I’m doing ok”. It’s ok to ask if you aren’t given something positive in your half way review or at the end of finishing a project. I’ll touch on clinical when we get to that bridge- that adjustment is hard.

Did I discover something new about myself?

100% I learned I’m really not a details person. I was given many tasks this rotation that were super detailed oriented and I was given a lot of revisions because my brain just doesn’t catch stuff like that. Excel? Yikes- I had a lot of learning to do- I won’t lie to you- I really stink at excel. I also learned the power of humanness. I am a nice and social human and I let that carry me though the rotation allowing me to really jive with any kitchen I was placed in. I talked to everyone and I even knew kids at the school from working at the YMCA so it was fun to connect with them in that way too!

How did you manage your means during this rotation?

First I would like to say that since I moved in with my parents for graduate school I don’t have to worry so much about dinner and breakfast. I know that is a total luxury and I am incredibly appreciative to have a hot meal waiting for me when I get home. I was in charge of lunches and obviously making my breakfast and snacks. For lunches I did eat a lot of school food. I think a lot of interns turn their nose and eat what they packed, which is fine, but I wanted to experience what the kids in Glendale Unified were eating. I ate almost everything on the menu and most liked the pizza and salad bars. I did really try almost everything though and it was pretty good! I got really bored of it by week 10- not gonna lie- so then I brought my lunch or I brought it regardless actually, and in case I wasn’t sent to a school site I had food to eat.

How did I stay organized?

I made to-do lists when I finished my day so I knew what was left to do upon returning to my desk the next day. I also kept a journal of what I did each day (we have to do this for our program) and then compiled everything in an intern binder which was to be turned in and graded. This binder had my time sheets, my daily recaps, examples of my work, and my 5 week and 10 week review.

Favorite and least favorite part?

I enjoyed speaking to and getting to know the kitchen workers and GUSD staff the most- also having other interns by my side made me not feel so alone in this process. I also enjoyed seeing inside the GUSD system. I wasn’t part of it as a child since I went to private school so it was just nice to see what it was all about. Also, the kids. It’s no secret I love kids so getting to chat with them with the pilot program of the Share Table or at the lunch line was really fun for me. I even got a few hugs from past campers who asked if I was a lunch lady now lol. Least favorite was prepping frozen food. I will never forget the day I removed 1,000 frozen meat patties from boxes and prepped them to be cooked. Ugh- just monotonous and cold, very cold. I prepared frozen stuff every day and like I said- I have a lot of respect for the people who do this job every day- it’s hard! Oh- I also wore an apple suit. So I hope this makes you smile!

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here and yes, this post is more than a month “late” seeing as though it’s February and we are already 1 month into 2019.

The posting hiatus is due to crazy expectations of myself to know it all or feel like I shouldn’t do the thing, post the thing or say the thing. My therapist, bless her, enlightened me with letting me know that I can be two things or multiple things at once. I don’t have to know it all and I don’t have to know nothing. I can be both fearful, doubtful, or excited about the content I share while also knowing I will be ok and I am enough.

I’m indecisive, I am a DEEP feeler, and I just care. I care about what other people think of me entirely too much. I’m working on it though! That’s why I stopped blogging for this period. I felt like I wasn’t living up to my expectations.

In this break time I focused on other people’s work and also just trying to survive my dietetic internship and give it my ALL (posts coming on that!). In this process, I was reading a post from Robyn about her move to NYC and I felt all the emotions in it. I saw that someone I really admire also had times of transition and uncertainty and that’s what I loved most from her blog so maybe others will like it in mine!

I’m in the beginning of what is about to be one of the biggest transitions in my life thus far- you know where I miraculously emerge from my cocoon of grad school at home to an adult butterfly and I felt like other people could benefit from seeing me learn and grow this year and for the future. SO let’s just lower expectations Connie and be here in this space. I really do plan to be here throughout this new transition and I’m excited about it. I even have a new blog makeover in the process while my name is also getting a bit of a makeover to have 4 new letters at the end of it come spring/summer!

And so- I wanted to recap on all the good stuff and hard stuff from 2018 because maybe it will help you see progress in yourself too?

2018 was the year of feeling unsettled and unsure. Sitting here writing this I am coming out on the other end of that unsure-ness. I am more sure and more content in my life in the present moment than I have ever been. I think I know what I want this space to be, I know where I want to live (or I think I do?), and I know that I want to work on being way more accepting of myself and the process and being scared or unsettled but also knowing I will be totally ok too.

January 2018

I started working for Robyn, my dream came true! I applied because I knew I wanted to learn skills in how to run a telehealth practice/be a leader and since Robyn had Nutshell and then rebranded to Real Life Women’s Health– she is a wealth of knowledge. Needless to say I was ecstatic for the opportunity and she is as cool and kind as I had imagined her to be after reading her blog for YEARS. I also started my last semester as a graduate student . The following year of school would only be dietetic rotations- no more research papers or classes- WAHOO.

February

I visited my grandparents at their winter home in Carefree, Arizona and went to Sacramento again with the YMCA to be an advisor for some cool teenagers. In my 2017 post I was so stoked that I was experiencing Sacramento as an intuitive eater and in 2018, Intuitive Eating was already becoming second nature. I would say I had sort of entered into the normal eating phase. It was just life at this point- no extra thoughts or effort- it was effortless!

March

March was cool. I went to Chicago for Saint Patrick’s Day to meet my college friends and had a blast for the first time despite having been in Chicago all 4 years of college on that day. College Connie had such debilitating anxiety. So much so that I couldn’t stop studying for half a day to have some drinks with friends and do Chicago things. I had to makeup for those years in a sense and makeup for them I did! We had a BLAST- I also found out green beer is just beer with food coloring in it- lol.

April

Something really cool happened in April. I was invited to be flown to an RD only trip to Cleveland with Nestle USA to their headquarters. I initially thought it was a joke when I got the invite in my inbox because 1. I’m not an RD yet, and 2. I thought only cool successful business people went to these things and I do not consider myself one of those people. I then realized it was indeed true and I was so excited to attend. It was a really enjoyable experience. Nestle asked our opinions as RDs on some of the new products and messaging and since the room was more than ½ filled with Intuitive Eating and Health At Every Size RDs I think we surprised them with our opinions. We were fans of full fat and sugar products and enjoyed incorporating packaged foods into our nutrition practices since we promote a flexible approach to eating and body trust rather than diet-y messages I think they thought we would side with.

One thing I learned is that I have to own my story. Of course, on day 1 at a giant round table we were asked to introduce ourselves and they turned to the most inexperienced person in the room- yes, me, and asked if I could start. I was so nervous that I sputtered out my name and that I was a graduate student and soon to be RD passionate about the HAES approach, smiled, and was like ok PLEASE can the next person go. I usually have no problem speaking in front of anyone but that room was filled with a lot of people I respected and I didnt want to say the wrong thing since I already felt a bit out of place for being invited to come.  I failed to mention I had a blog, instagram, taught classes at CSULA, was a nutrition educator at the Y, and worked with kids. I now know that even though I may feel small and young, my accomplishments are important and I should mention and own them because later on in the weekend my options were appreciated and no one looked down on me for being a student or anything. In fact everyone was really excited for me and offered great advice and life stories!

May

I mainly focused on school. I gave I think 4 presentations on Intuitive Eating and HAES from various aspects after writing 4 papers to go along with them- you could say my brain was jello at that point. My favorite one was on the research behind Controlling Feeding Practices in kids (diet mentality) versus Healthful Feeding Practices (weight neutral/intuitive eating mentality). I remember feeling really proud of these because I was finally speaking and researching about stuff I loved. I felt so proud on the last day of class. I also remember feeling really scared for the next year ahead. Rotations, specifically clinical, freaked me out and finishing classes meant I would actually have to face them.

June

I turned 24 and at this point I had a lot of thoughts swimming in my head. Where I want to live post graduation, what work aligns with my values, what do I do with my summer?! I often found myself in a pile of tears from being so confused with what I wanted for my future. A lot of people had opinions on what was best for me and I was losing my darn MIND. I ended up living in Sarah’s little sister’s Chicago Lincoln Park apartment for the month of June while she was abroad to just be. I tried to let myself just sit with my feelings and work some stuff out. So I spent a lot of time walking to lake Michigan, drinking wine on my cousin’s Wrigley rooftop, playing with Ella, enjoying water time, and time with friends!

Literally, ask Robyn. Every mentor call from July forward was just me venting about my worries about moving/finding a good job and Robyn telling me to trust my gut and go with the decision that meant freedom to me, not fear.

July

I went to camp fox on Catalina just like last year as a director for 6-8th grade kids and had a blast. I always say this but I’m my truest self at camp. I’m quirky, don’t wear makeup, let my natural frizzy curly hair down, and just enjoy a cell phone and internet free week. I ended up leaving camp one day early and flew out to Croatia with my family (thank you mom and dad!) where we met my world traveler sister who had just finished studying abroad in Stockholm, Sweden. Croatia is stunning! We ate food that felt like my Oma’s cooking in Zagreb then a complete 180 to total Mediterranean fish and fresh pastas on Hvar. We were there when Croatia kept winning games in the World Cup and it was pretty cool to see the atmosphere while it was happening! We got to watch with all the Croatia fans! I had one of the most beautiful meals of my life in Split. Truly stunning and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

August

AH INTERNSHIP YEAR IS HERE. I started at Glendale Unified School district (GUSD)  wide eyed and honestly about to sh*t my pants. Truly, I only drank a smoothie on my first day because it was all I could get down and that wasn’t helping my situation of having a nervous stomach. The entire month there was an uphill battle- I’ll do a dedicated post on my rotations so I’ll save it- but let me tell you- it was a lot of kitchen work. Not my fave.

September

Still at GUSD and was so looking forward to visiting my sister (and friend!) in NOLA. I had such a fun weekend with her exploring a city that is essentially Las Vegas + Europe. You can drink alcohol on the street there- I was a big fan.

October

I was nearing my time to end my first 10 week rotation. Admin/food service was nearly done and I was really excited about that. I really liked the people I met at GUSD but the work was very unfulfilling to me. I also booked a trip to Seattle to visit some of my best friends. This trip was nothing short of amazing and validating for me.

I also started the scariest and hardest thing I have ever done. Clinicals at Kaiser Permanente Los Angeles Medical Center in Hollywood. I worked as the single inpatient dietetic intern for an almost 500 bed hospital with 8 full time RDs on staff at any given time. *Cue the fear and tears mixed with determination and exhaustion

November

Clinicals, clinicals, clinicals. Lots of tears in the car after I got done being strong all day in front of everyone. There wasn’t a lot of hand holding in my rotation. I shadowed an RD on the Telemetry Unit my first day on the floor for one singular patient and then she said- “ok your turn, I’ll wait outside!”. On the outside I smiled and said “great, here we go!” on the inside I was screaming, literally full volume in my own head,- “HOLY SH*T I AM SO UNPREPARED FOR THIS IM GONNA KILL THIS PERSON SOMEHOW”. Irrational, I know, but true. Also conveniently, the patient was the father of a Kaiser physician who was sitting next to him so not only was this my first patient but I had someone who knew the system and would know if I screwed up. Cool beans.

December

Still at Kaiser but friends, I am proud to say I was able to take a moderately full caseload (7-8 patients and I never thought I would make it past 4) in a day by the end and I got really comfortable or at least leaps and bounds more comfortable than the first patient. The RDs there were very supportive and kind to me! I spent a fair amount of time in the ICU- my least favorite place to be mainly because there was so much commotion and intensity going on. Everyone was so, so sick. I went on to finish my 11 weeks at Kaiser the first week of January and I couldn’t think of a better Christmas present to give myself than great preceptor evaluations and just making it out a much more confident and knowledgeable intern. Yes it was hard but boy did I learn.

So here we are. 2019. Looking back it was sort of a blur but if there were themes that stuck out

1. Trying to listen to my heart more than my head- also work on the thoughts in my head. My head can take me to all the wrong places if I let it. I have a lot of irrational fears and thought bullies going on in there and I now know how to punch back- thank you, therapy. I actively worked on me this year and I’m really proud of me. I have never started a year so confidently and so content. The path ahead is pretty clear and I’m gearing up to take the leap into adulthood, my first job, a new city, and learning through failures and feedback in those experiences.  
2. “But I am also ok”.  I can be a lot of things. Emotions are hard and so are expectations but whatever I do or feel I will also be ok.
3. Putting me first. For so long I put myself in the background. I went the extra mile for friendships and relationships so that everyone else would be happy even if it was at the expense of my happiness. I’m actively looking at relationships and taking a little check in. Sort of asking myself “ok how does this relationship serve me and is it a two way street or one”? I tried and am trying to make choices that made me happy rather than everyone else and taking the planned leap to Seattle is a huge outcome of that choice.

Those themes are going to be like lifelong themes I’m sure but I’m glad I realized them in 2018 at age 23/24. It has made 2019 pretty awesome already. I don’t know how many years I will keep these recaps up but we can play that by ear. The grad school years have just been filled with so much growth, I wanted to share because most of the time it just feels like stress city!

We can continue this novel another day. If you made it through that I hope it may have validated some of your feelings if you are a 20 something learning every day like me too!