Taking A BREAK.

Hi, hello!

I’ve decided it’s time for a break. My therapist and I just started to discuss the pressure I perceive in my life and the pressure that is there and not going away versus the pressure I put on myself and can take off for bit to give me a break. My anxiety has come back with a vengeance these last few months as the pressure of finishing grad school, interning, keeping up with friends and relationships, constancelyeating, futurizing about my internship or career, volunteering for the Y and AYSO, teaching 2 classes, writing a thesis, babysitting, it’s all just too much. The anxiety isn’t in the form of panic attacks like undergrad it’s more of a constant buzzing in my brain that I can’t turn off. It’s super annoying and I can’t find peace….anywhere. I’ve pretty much hit a wall and realized I need to take as much off my plate as I can so that I can just be diligent with my work and with what I need to be doing right now, not in a few months and certainly not in a few years.

(My grad school friends have become close friends these past 2 years and its weird that we will all be in different hospitals for the next year vs. sitting next to each other in classes- still trying to process how things are changing and I’m soaking up lots of time with them while we have it!)

A lot of my perceived pressure is the pressure I put on myself to be better and to figure out what’s going to set me apart as an RD from all the other wonderful practitioners out there. You know what’s wrong with that thought? That’s literally a problem for NEXT YEAR or LONGER. Between now and next year I have to finish my course work and finish a 1,200 hour internship before I have to even seriously sit down with those thoughts. Sure, I can pursue my passions in nutrition and read literature and have experiences as an intern and 23 (almost 24) year old that eventually gets me there but spending serious mental energy comparing myself and stressing myself out right this minute isn’t helping me get anywhere.

Another thing that isn’t totally necessary is me writing in this space. I felt like I should be writing here versus actually wanting to write here. What I do love is instagram! You can catch me on stories every day and I post often about food or people that inspire me or outfits I love so for now I’ll be present there versus here.

(I FINALLY got to ride the paddle boats at Echo Park lake- I don’t know why it took me so long to do it? Trying to do more things without an occasion).

I’ve put off working on my thesis till I get a way better handle on my last 3 big assignments of my school CAREER! Thesis isn’t due till I graduate a year from now so I have some time to chill out- I still want it done before August though. I’ll be done with course work in May and man, I’m excited. I’ll be heading to Chicago for June to get away from the hustle and bustle of LA to a slower and more walkable place where I feel really at peace. Cubs games, lake days, lunches with friends, family time, can’t wait!

I’m focusing on the friends that give me the most life and focusing on doing things that make me happy versus focusing on the things I feel like I should be doing or things I did and that I might regret. Life is too damn short and I want to enjoy it- even the little moments that I don’t feel like are super important because I feel like I’m going to look back and they will have been more important than I thought.

So for now I’m focusing on school, teaching, interning, instagram, and trying to be gentle with the way I talk to myself and treat myself. I think therapy is going to help me a lot with slowing down and re-framing some of those negative comparison thoughts. Maybe some of you can relate to this? I hope to come back here every now and again but for the time being I’m taking a little break or at least taking the pressure off myself to post 🙂

Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate!

(Margs to celebrate my best friend finishing her career as a Nurses Aid and onto her next adventure with nursing school in Philadelphia for the next 14 months. Trying to soak up my last month with her close by and working on knowing that our next year is going to be hard but good. Clinicals for the both of us! )

March 30, 2018 TAGS: Life BY: constancelyeating

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It’s OK To Just Do A Little

“I’m all in”

“It’s all or nothing!”

“Dive in head first!”

(The best egg sandwich from Ambrosia in Sacramento next to the Capitol with crusty ciabatta bread and gooey gently cheese- UGH)

The amount of times I’ve heard these phrases and tried to make myself believe all or nothing is the way to go is more times that I have fingers or toes. I think we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be 100% on a project we are completing, in a relationship, on a decision, believing were right or wrong at a certain point in our lives and the truth is it’s simply not true. Like nutrition, life isn’t black and white. There’s plenty of people who think in this manner and portray it to be true (lookin at you social media) but it only sets us up for failure because it assumes we are either perfect or are completely sure, both of which human are not. Humans are inherently indecisive and can be persuaded to go one way or the other but we are pushed to believe if we aren’t 100% then we are 0% and that’s just frustrating.

(Pizza lunch- literally one of 3 pizza lunches- I felt like I was going to turn into a pizza during this trip- ha!)

When we approach health decisions and are learning to take better care of ourselves, a huge mistake people make is going in “all or nothing” with no wiggle room and no room to be wrong. If they are wrong, then back they go to their old ways. The thing is that health and taking care of yourself isn’t black and white because humans aren’t black and white. Humans are messy, life is messy, and we expect too much of ourselves. Working with teens has taught me a lot about that. Teens are SO pressured to have the perfect college app, perfect friends, perfect bodies, and somehow figure out life? If theres one thing I do for my kids is tell them they are enough, because they are. I may be the only person they hear that from because many come from really stressful family situations and it’s my hope that Y programs make them more at peace with themselves.

We bash ourselves for “messing up” on our eating for the day. What does that even mean? You ate a brownie at the end of your meal instead of a quinoa raw bite? Ugh. When we view eating as black and white we are almost asking for mess ups because we have already asked too much of ourselves. If you are someone looking to make more positive changes in your life I encourage you to take it one at a time. Nutrition changes don’t come from eating the same meal 7 days a week because it’s “safe” or “approved” it also doesn’t come from cutting out a certain food group completely. It comes from one change, maybe adding veggies to your plate, then another, making a list of whole grains and buying 2 for the week that YOU like. It comes from changes you decided on- not changes someone else told you to do. Nutrition is very, very personal. I tell my nutrition students the same thing. We learn about how to balance our plate, how to slowly become an intuitive eater, how to maybe switch our perspective of exercise from a “have to” to a “want to” but doing everything at once is wayyy too much.

(Some advisor friends and awesome ladies)

Its ok if you just do a little. It’s ok if the only goal for you this week or this month or few months is to stop forcing yourself to go to the gym when you are tired and instead only go when you have energy. Maybe you find that the workouts you were forcing yourself to do were workouts you don’t even like and that’s the reason it felt bad (that was the case for me- I found out that I HATE RUNNING). Maybe you realize you had been skimping out on socializing with friends or your significant other and put the gym in that place and now that you gave yourself a little more grace you have more energy to have a great workout and feel accomplished rather than depleted.

(I shared this with a friend- we also got the savory egg sandwich above to get both sweet and savory in!)

Its ok if you are just starting to bring gentle nutrition into your life after not caring at all or caring too much. Its ok to work on purchasing more whole grains but not everything whole grain. Its ok to eat imperfectly at just one meal a day instead of expecting yourself to be intuitive all the time. Its ok to ask yourself uncomfortable questions about why you are eating and to not know the answer. Its ok to not fully understand how to gauge your hunger and fullness cues yet.

(I was craving greens at this point in the trip so finding this Mediterranean salad was amazing)

Trasitioning to well-being isn’t some flip of a switch. Learning to take care of yourself is a slow, slow process. Diving in head first will only make you feel inadequate when in reality you aren’t, you are awesome. I encourage you to pick just one thing to work on at a time and once you feel as though that has been incorporated into your life then and only then do you choose your next goal.

When transitioning to intuiting eating, one of my first attempts at change was giving my body some grace. I used to view only “hard” workouts as workouts and I wanted to start looking at all movement as just movement. It took me a loooong time to get there but I’m happy to say I am so at peace with moving my body and boy does it feel wonderful. I would say this took almost a year to be ok with. To be ok with being tired and not wanting to workout and working to silence that little voice in my head that says “you aren’t going to be healthy if you skip your workout” “you are going to gain weight if you don’t workout”. I have a lot of little voices in my head and instead of tackling them all at once I chose the workout monster first.

What will you choose first?

(My parents helped out with one of the Y programs Sacramento this year- it was special having them there!)

February 21, 2018 TAGS: Life, YMCA BY: constancelyeating

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The Importance Of Hobbies

I saw a post one time (I want to say it was from immaeatthat but I searched everywhere and couldn’t find it!- If you find it let me know in the comments!) that said something like “if your weight is the most interesting thing about you- then you need a hobby” and I was like can I get an amen? I don’t think it even has to be weight. Insert any food or nutrition related topic there (how little sugar you are eating or news on the latest nutrition fad) and I would finish the quote in the same way because, at least for me, I need a break from nutrition and find that the topic can become pretty toxic in conversations because people have really strong opinions on nutrition. Don’t get me wrong, I love my field and since I’m in this field I probably feel this a little more but I think everyone can, and should, take a break from their work. I respect and understand that taking time off work is not something that is attainable for all if working multiple jobs and caring for a family etc. but even small intentional hobbies like reading, can make a difference!

(Camp, Camp,Camp!)

Being immersed in instagram, blog life, school, people asking me to make them meal plans (my least favorite question), gets OLD. I can only imagine how I’m going to feel in 5, 10, 20, years as an RD. I wonder how the food and nutrition scene will be different and that’s interesting to day dream about but I also feel somewhat confident that it will be much of the same. We will still be a society that focuses on weight over health, perfection over mess ups, and self-doubt over self-confidence. We will probably still be talking about the “obesity epidemic” and chronic disease and still have very conflicting research as to the etiologies. Bleh- all of that can just be a downer sometimes. So, to combat that, I have hobbies.

hob·by¹

ˈhäbē/

noun

1.

an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure.

I have several hobbies and I cherish them for different reasons, mostly because they get me out of the nutrition head space or just my own head and into literally ANYTHING else. I tend to overthink things in my head and it can send me down a spiral of negativity or stress if I let it. I spoke up a little on my instagram story about this topic referring to my time in a youth development program called Youth and Government every Wednesday evening and how it’s the one time in my week my brain isn’t thinking about food or nutrition related anything and it’s pure bliss. I just get to hang with high school students and advisors my age and just be. I’ve never known a life without hobbies because I’ve always been over scheduled, but my life isn’t as over scheduled now, it’s intentionally scheduled. I don’t just do stuff to do stuff because over time I realized that’s helping no one, especially not myself. My hobbies now give me bits of life I can’t get from my main “job” of being a grad student, dietetic intern, and learner of nutrition.

(I’m currently at the Youth and Government conference now! Follow along on my stories!)

My hobbies give me brain peace and lots of laughs because that’s something I realized I lack in school- things are getting a little more serious and competitive as we transition into our little niches in the field and internships + learning that we have to take care of actual human beings soon. I value the time I spend with teens because they are hilarious and quirky and I sometimes I feel super needed there and being needed is a wonderful feeling. My all time favorite hobby is my week away as a director with a team and 200 kids at a NO CELL SERVICE island called Catalina Island off the coast of California. At camp I can be my weirdest, make up free, sunscreen lathered, one piece wearing, camp song screaming, tubing loving, book reading, mom replacement, self. Most of my hobbies include people because people and I get along super well. If I have a day without human contact I truly start going slightly insane. Some people can be alone for an extended period and while that’s very needed for me each day, it only lasts for a few hours.

(Non-nutrition reading is such a simple pleasure 🙂 )

If you are immersed in your respective field without a hobby I encourage you to get one. My mom gardened (among other things) in her off time from work as an attorney for Nestle and that let her get outside time since she was cooped up in a high rise for 8 hours a day. My dad coaches and referees soccer and we coach a few teams together to get him away from his office as an attorney for the state of California. Most of my friends at the Y have their Y programs they use as their hobbies and another friend of mine became a Big Sister in Arkansas where she moved for her job at Walmart corporate.

Hobbies can help you express yourself and get to know yourself better. You can find like minded people and form new friendships with them. Hobbies can help relieve stress and promote relaxation. Hobbies can teach you new things about other people, things, or yourself. Hobbies can help out another human. Hobbies can help structure your time and provide you with a schedule in your down time. Hobbies can allow you to give your time to an important cause.

(Outside exploring in Zion)

Hobbies don’t have to be time intensive or stressful! Here are some examples

Reading a book far removed from your respective field- even 20 minutes a day. I love thrillers and murder mysteries.

Once a month (or more) taking a loved one out to lunch or to do an activity together- turn off your phone and enjoy them.

Join a community sports team through a rec center or a Y or local team. I know some women who I played soccer with growing up played in an adult league that met once a weekend.

Get involved in your church if you go to church! If you have time can you become an usher? A eucharistic minister? A greeter? Even just going to church and that being your 1 hour is awesome head space for me!

Crafting, coloring (adult coloring books are super soothing to some people), practicing something you found on Pinterest or Etsy.

Giving an hour of your time to a soup kitchen a few times a month.

Getting outside without your phone.

Do you have a hobby? Tell me in the comments!

February 15, 2018 TAGS: Life, YMCA BY: constancelyeating

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2017

Now, below these words are the hi lights of 2017. I like picking a few big things out of each month so I can remember, but also to note that each month brought something new and different to 2017 and all were important! I promise you 2017 was not all hi lights. I cried a lot. People made me feel mad, sad, and frustrated. School made me feel exhausted and not smart some days. People came in and out of my life and there were heavy emotions. I lost my great uncle, almost like a third grandfather to me, and had to watch my dad loose the second biggest role model to him and watch my family grieve once again. Life isn’t all a hi light reel but I want to look back on 2017 through the high point lens and just acknowledge that there were lows. If we don’t experience and accept negative emotions then we are simply denying a fact of life. Not everything can be positive or looked at in a positive light and I think if we try that there is a lot of denial going on. So all that to say, I’m human and I have crappy parts of life and myself that I don’t enjoy just like you do! However, I had a freaking blast this year.

I hadn’t planned this year to be “the most fun year yet” but in my last 23, it has been hands down the year I’ve smiled the hardest and for that I’m so grateful! I think that has a lot to do with the friends I’ve made through grad school and for the personal choice of putting myself out into the world to open up myself to others more than I already have. I mentioned I cried a lot this year, much like 2016, but these tears were different. In 2016, I was still working on my anxiety (I still am now but it’s no longer the center of my attention) and it was a big transition year for me. I cried because I left college, because every day things still made me incredibly anxious and that pissed me off, and I cried because that year was lonely at times. When we have huge transition years, graduations, deaths, marriage, personal victories, etc, I think that is to be expected. 2017 tears were because I told myself it was ok to be vulnerable and I sort of knew that tears would just come with that. Vulnerable not just in personal life, in school life (speaking my mind on a huge presentation and teaching my students with my heart in it, not just my head), in fun situations (saying my studying can wait, this random concert opportunity can not) etc.

I share my personal life with you, to an extent. There is A LOT I leave out because, well, it’s personal and I’m not about to make this blog switch from constancelyeating to constancelydating or constancelybeinga20something because 23 is a weird freaking year and getting rude comments on how I’m choosing to live my personal life via DM on instagram or on a blog comment is really hard to deal with. Also, personal life stuff is just personal- super simple. I get asked the question “when am I getting grand kids?!” or “soooo, any cute boys in your life right now?!” (or something along those lines) probably once a day if I’m around my family or other young people or at least a couple of times a week when I’m just living my life and it wears. a person. DOWN.

The answer to those above questions are, in this order, “I don’t know when you are getting grandkids, that’s for God to decide”, and “mm I’m working on it”. So, this year has just been a TON of trial and error, a lot of “mmm not sure how that makes me feel”, “oh gosh, I need to get out of here”, lots of alone time in my thoughts and prayers, and tons of time just “saying screw it, “let’s do it!” (not even kidding you, it’s either said in my head or out loud and it usually ends up being super fun or I learn a lot from it). So, in short, in 2017, I cried a lot of personal growth tears and I don’t regret them. 2016 was transition tears. What kind of tears will come in 2018 I have no freaking clue but I’ll be there saying some more of “screw it, let’s do it!” and probably some “nope, tried that before, learned from it, and moving on!” because that’s what your 20’s are for, or so I’m told. They are for learning a lot and I totally get that.

I have no goals for 2018 except for hoping to be on the blog a little more and to continue being curious about everything, people, nutrition, life, school, etc. I don’t plan on changing my body or diet in any way and I hope to become a more confident intuitive eater and do lots of continuing education.

Now, on to the FUN STUFF. I realized a lot of money was spent on airfare in 2017, probably won’t change that in 2018!

January

Before starting school I hopped on a plane to Seattle to visit one of my best friends Heather from high school. I had never been before and I LOVED it. I think this was the first trip I had ever planned by myself and was just like yup, I want to go there so it’s happening. I also got to see my Chicago gal pal Allison for a bit. I ate LOTS of great food (including Molly Moons ice cream below) and actually linked it (for what I ate and did- also my favorite coffee of all time) all here.

I started my Spring Semester at CSULA taking all the second parts to classes like Medical Nutrition Therapy, Advanced Nutrition, Management Principals in Dietetics , and Maternal Nutrition among others. This was I think my hardest semester looking back at it. So. many. numbers.

I posted this photo at the end of January and remember feeling super happy with how this dress fit (cellulite and imperfections included). 2017 was the beginning of me embracing dressing my body and loving it. I gave away a ton of clothes that didn’t fit me anymore and just let it go.

February

Much of the same, school wise. Later in this month was my first year being an advisor for the Youth and Government YMCA program and going to Sacramento as an adult and not a high school teen! So fun. I do remember having to sprint back to my room to get a few hours of studying in between sessions. This year that won’t be the case. Can I get an amen for no more MNT?!

This trip to Scramento was also cool because I only packed necessary snacks (granola bars/trail mix/apples for snacks that I did’t want to pay triple the price for at a store or hotel lobby) and just sort of browsed the city for food when I felt like it. Patted myself on the back for that intuitive eating decision.

That month I was asked to speak to the senior group at the Y to answer some of their nutrition questions and I was so excited! This would later lead to speaking to more senior groups later in the year because people enjoyed it. I started to realize teaching was something I really enjoyed.

March

Addie and May came to LA and stayed with me! We had so much fun trying new restaurants and putzing around LA. We took so many photos of our food and no one got mad- ha!

Next up was Expo West- such an overwhelming but fun experience! It’s a giant food show where vendors and bloggers/foodies meet and eat a TON of the most random combos of food ever like an ice cream sandwich and then some pasta and then a chip and then a protein smoothie with Cheerios in it. I finally got to meet my pals Emilie, Haley, JJ, and more! It was so nice hugging people in real life after feeling like you know them so well off the internet. Meeting them was also really important to me because they are all in my shoes and it’s so nice to have people studying nutrition and being a young 20 something to just talk life with.

April

More school + I left for Chicago at the end of March-first week of April for my Spring break to see my family and friends! Lot’s of Jenis ice cream, pizza from my favorite Italian place, train rides to see my grandparents, and hugs from my Chicago humans.

Ella was adopted when I was a sophomore-ish in college- she’s so big now UGH! We celebrated her 5th birthday this year!

May

May was a lot of finishing up with school and trying not to loose my marbles. I always feel like towards the end of any semester I start going a little crazy and my main goal is just to keep it together. May is always filled with celebrations, friends graduating, friends birthdays etc. Always fun to celebrate!

HOORAY. I remember walking out of this final almost collapsing on the floor. I think it took me almost the whole 2.5 hours to complete the last MNT thing before my clinical rotations and we were so stinkin happy- look at us- all the smiles!

June

I turned 23! June was such a fun month I planned another trip to Seattle because, why not, and I just began to feel really confident in myself as an intuitive eater, a 20 something, and I just had lots of grateful thoughts. Maybe it was because I didn’t have classes weighing me down and this was my first break since graduating college?! Whatever it was, it was fun.

Went on the coolest hike (Lake 22) this time in Seattle, ate more delish food(check out that fresh fish below!), met some awesome humans, drank lotsa wine, and smiled a lot. I split my stay 1/2 with Heather and 1/2 with Allison (full post here).

July

So, my plans for a “low key” summer had pretty much vanished at this point. I had planned on getting a grip on my thesis, which I did, but I also did a ton of freaking traveling and it made for an awesome summer. I haded back to Chicago for more family and friends. Lotsa sangria on my cousins roof and nice strolls around Lakeview/Downtown/Ogden Dunes Indiana.

Later that month was Camp Fox! This was my third year being a director and it was the best yet. Fox is a place with legitimately no reception and horrible wifi (you are in the middle of the ocean on Catalina Island) so no IG/FB/blog and a place I voluntarily loose reception on “real life”. Camp life is unlike anything I can describe in this space but just imagine a bunch of people embracing your truest, weirdest self and loving you for it. Camp is a place where I feel appreciated and where I feel like I can give the most to other humans. See those things around our necks? Those are called rags. The rag program at the Y is essentially an outward symbol of an inward goal or goals and Y campers/directors/counselors are encouraged to start on this journey and work through their goals during the year and come back to camp and re-evaluate (you only wear your rags at camp and can only move up rags or re tie at camp). If you accomplished your goals you can move up a rag color and sit down and take some very quiet time with yourself to think about what’s next, get counseled by someone of equal or higher rag color, and go through the ceremony to start your new goals. There’s a little more to the rag program but I don’t want to make this too long. This year I got my gold rag and it means a lot to me. My goals have a lot to do with my professional life as a future RD as well as some personal standards I want to hold myself to. I’ll definitely need more than a year for this rag but I wanted to show you guys that part of my life and part of what the Y does for me and others in helping us grow. It was an honor to be asked to tie several rags from my campers and counselors on my unit- holds a special place in my heart because each of my rags has helped me through obstacles in my life and that’s what they do for others, too!

If you watch my instagram stories you probably see this human below a lot. Chelsea tied my rag and is one of the greatest friends and mentors to me! Wanted to include her here since she was a huge part of 2017 in helping me grow.

July I also flew to Vegas to speak on behalf of Siggis Dairy! I worked with Abi (she was the RD for them at the time and is now traveling the world!) to create a presentation on a little bit about basic sports nutrition and how siggis fits into that. Huge learning experience for me.

August

I traveled through Vienna, Austria with my sister and one of my good friends from college who lives there now! We had such a blast and met our parents in Italy a week later. Such a dream. Check out our whole trip here if you missed it! Austria and Italy.

Selfies in Sienna! Lots of wonderful food and many cities and smiles.

September

Bak to school! This time only graduate courses (except 1) which were wayyy different than undergrad level courses. Lots of self study and way more reading. I loved it. I started teaching a new semester of nutrition and leading the hiking course at CSULA too. Here’s some of my class hiking Switzer Falls.

October

Any guesses on where I went?! Yes, Chicago. I worked for siggis at their booth at FNCE, the conference put on by the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. I worked with some of my favorite people and we shared an air bnb, so fun! You know Emilie and JJ now, next up is Alayna and Winnie.

I also got to meet these amazing RDs! I just about cried out of excitement because again, I felt like I knew them from their blogs and IG and have so much respect for them and hope to be as successful as they are as a future RD. Also this was when May told me she passed her RD exam and I again almost cried out for excitement for her! She has been a constant source of support for me ever since I met her back in 2016 graduating college. She is so insightful, caring, and funny.

Meme, May, Rachael, Alexis, and Robyn.

At this point I was saying to myself how amazing it would be to have an opportunity to work for or with any of these women and then boom December came and that opportunity happened.

This was also the month my best friend got into freaking nursing school! Sarah is my best friend and we joke that we are each others only friend- even though that’s not true at all, we do understand each other so well and our lives this year living at home while somewhat adulting have been nearly identical so it was just awesome to see her accomplish this. We spent many beach weekends at her family’s beach house in Newport this year.

November

I think this wins as the best month of the year. Zion with my grad school friends. 2 concerts, and tons of friend seeing. Each day in November felt packed to the gills especially with the holidays starting and Friendsgivings and family time. So much and all so good! We also had some of our hardest presentations and did so well. I love seeing my friends get into their little nutrition niches.

December

This was a great month because another semester DONE. Just one more to go. I also found out I was chosen to be one of Robyn’s interns and it was basically a dream come true. I can’t wait to learn from her! We took a family trip to Lake Arrowhead as well and it was fun to laugh together and spend time before my sister leaves for college again. + more sweet time with friends that made the end of the year perfect!

An there you have it! My year in review. What a wonderful one it was. I hope yours was amazing and if it wasn’t then I hope 2018 is filled with learning experiences and more smiles for you :).

December 30, 2017 TAGS: Life BY: constancelyeating

Uncategorized

My Intuitive Eating Journey

*This post was written as an introduction to everyone on Robyn’s blog but I wanted to have it here for future reference 🙂 I didn’t want to change it right now so I left the intro as is- may change that up in the future!

Hi everyone! Connie here, intern number 2, and it’s so nice to blog meet all of you! I can’t tell you how excited I am for the opportunity to share a little bit of my intuitive eating journey with you and to learn from Robyn. I’m currently a second year graduate student in the California State University Los Angeles Masters program for Nutritional Science and Coordinated Dietetic Program and will soon have those MS, RD letters after my name (YAY.). I would now consider myself a pretty confident intuitive eater in the sense that I’ve got it covered personally, but also I’ve become more and more comfortable each day talking about it with other members of my cohort and in places like constancelyeating or with friends and family. It took me a while to get here though. Here’s my story!

It all started around high school, a place I actually really enjoyed! I went to an all girls private school in La Canada, California and was really active in soccer and track, the dance company, a leader of our retreat team, and several outside activities including the YMCA where I’m still active in youth development today. I was also diagnosed with anorexia my freshman year. My ED was nipped in the butt pretty fast through counseling and a dietitian which is pretty uncommon but my mental health would be a bit off for years to come even if I was physically “healthy”.

3 years later, towards the end of high school, I thought I weighed too much so my mom allowed me to see a nutritionist that practiced a lot of restrictive weight reduction methods both mentally and physically and now when I look back at that time, it kind of makes me sad that a number on the scale had so much meaning to me. To me, smaller equaled more valuable- something that I now realize is 100% false. From freshman year Connie to senior, there was over a 45-pound weight difference with a lot of fluctuation and a 2-year loss of/irregular period. My body went through a lot.

Amidst the joy of graduation and even a debutante ball, I left sunny LA to head to Chicago for college and surprise, surprise I was super involved. I joined a sorority, lead on the executive board of that sorority, taught Zumba and other fitness classes at our college gym, babysit a bunch, spent a lot of time with my Chicago family, and was as close to a 4.0 Health Science student as I could be. I’m a highly involved perfectionist, if you can’t tell.

(Two of my best friends in high school- still 2 of my main humans today!)

Early in college, my grandfather passed away around the same time of my first (out of 4) chemistry classes I would later take at DePaul. I had never lost anyone before and I had no idea how to grieve. With the loss of someone I loved so much and the stress of taking a class where failing was more common than succeeding I found myself in therapy for both of those things.

With time, my anxiety worsened, and I found myself controlling food to just have an ounce of calm in my life. I didn’t think anything was wrong with that and I didn’t even know I was doing it but looking back, I held back from a lot. I missed ice cream dates or late night snacks after going out just for the sake of control.

I ate mainly plant based because I felt that was keeping me squeaky “clean” and I overexercised, to put it shortly.

(Sweaty post teaching Zumba. I love being a student in classes now.)

I knew something was up when junior year winter break I started feeling lightheaded and dizzy and a close mentor at the YMCA asked me if I was sick because I didn’t look like myself. I later found out that my iron was low (wasn’t keeping tabs on that with my plant based diet) and that I really did look sort of blah since all my clothes were baggy and my face wasn’t full anymore. I felt blah too. Emotionally, I was having a really hard time with school and I cried a lot- like every day. Some days I would be in these slumps that I couldn’t get out of (partly Chicago winters/seasonal depression, partly I needed help). I tried to hide all of this from friends/sorority sisters and did a pretty good job (I think?).

*side note- I have nothing against plant based diets, however, I was using plant based as a cover for disordered eating and realizing that was a big step for me

(Once I embraced intuitive eating, quesadillas became a regular thing.)

That same year I came back home for spring break and brought my college friends/sisters with me. My dad had told me he had made a psychiatrist appointment for me and that I would be attending…end of story. I appreciated that and really do attribute my change in mindset to yes, the medication I was on for anxiety that allowed me to heal, but also my dad for making the first move for me.

Upon coming back to Chicago for spring quarter after break, I had a new outlook. After a few weeks, the meds had really started helping me. When people ask me about what the meds allowed me to do was really give me a little more space between stimulus and my reaction to that stimulus. Prior to that, my anxiety was just one step ahead of me and I felt so out of control in my own head with all decisions including food. I knew the meds wouldn’t be long term because I had full intentions of getting back to normal happy Connie, I just needed a little help (ps- I’m no longer on meds!).

*side note on the “normal” connie line or the note to go off meds. Me making a goal to go of meds was a personal choice and honestly sort of an experiment. I wanted to see if after time on meds, starting a yoga practice, and working on constructive ways to deal with my anxiety (among many other personal things), I could obtain a similar sense of normalcy or familiarity that I had prior to my anxiety diagnosis-I know that life circumstances and experiences change a person and I can’t expect to be 18 year old Connie again but I just wanted to be familiar with myself again (if that makes sense). My personal choices are not to say that someone else’s choice to stay on meds is “not normal”. If I had that goal to go off meds, tried going off them and it wasn’t working, then I would go back on a move on with my life. It just happened to work that I don’t need them anymore- who knows if I’ll need to go back on at any point- but that’s a discussion for another day 🙂 Mental health is 100% personal and me sharing my story is only to open the discussion not to say that my way is the right way. xo!

My first intuitive eating decision came soon after my return to Chicago that spring while eating dinner with my family at our favorite Italian place we ate at often. Instead of going with the voice inside my head that said “you should have the salad”, I asked myself what I actually wanted and that was meatballs, I really wanted the darn meatballs, and pasta please. You guys, I have never felt so liberated in my life. I totally surpassed a comfortable full but I figured out how that worked a little later down the line.

After that, I started challenging myself to make small little decisions like that more often and I also started to practice more enjoyable movement. I stopped running to the lake- I walked. I stopped adding on extra workout days on top of teaching and started yoga instead. I went out with my friends more and ate more food that was satisfying to me. I hadn’t had a donut in YEARS and one day I saw Stans in Chicago and was like, “yes, this is sooo happening”. I started to realize there were some negative people in my life and began the conscious effort of letting them go. I felt my clothes getting tighter and I bought new ones instead of crying over my body changes.

As things were just getting so good, I graduated. Senior year was hands down my favorite year in Chicago and I wish I could have lived all 4 years like that but hey, you live and you learn. It seemed like that last year or so went so fast because I had so much more time to think about and do more things besides overanalyze my body.

Two months before graduation I found out that I was one of a small group of people that was accepted into my current program at CSULA and nothing felt more right.

Within 7 days of graduation, I started a full time summer quarter at CSULA and it has been the most enjoyable learning experience ever since. The coolest intuitive eating principal I mastered in those early months back home in LA was finding my ideal hunger and ideal full. Learning that there will be leftovers and that I could stop at full and still have room for dessert to move me from full to satisfied was the best thing ever.

Each month I felt like I tackled one more thing and I became more and more confident in my intuitive eating abilities. After about a year and a half of grad school I knew helping people become intuitive eaters and reject the diet mentality was 100% something I wanted to pursue in my future career as an RD.

Where I’m at in my story now is a really good place. It’s funny how a change in my eating led to a chain reaction in my whole life. I live more intuitively now and that mindset has brought so much good (in more ways than how I look at food)! I look forward to sharing more with you guys in 2018 and wish you and your friends and family the happiest of holidays.

December 22, 2017 TAGS: Life, RD BY: constancelyeating

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Weekly Eats, Outfits, and 23

So often I forget that I’m only 23. I unrealistically compare myself to successful RDs who have been in the field for half my life span, spend time mostly with people who are closer to 30 than 20, and have this constant pressure on myself to be more. Ya feel? All my friends tell me that’s totally normal in your 20’s so while I don’t think it’s abnormal, its stressful! This week however, I loved being 23- it was a very happy, smiley, and fulfilling week. Here’s what I did.

Monday was the usual, school. I really was having a hard time physically though and couldn’t shake a headache that was going on and on for hours. I finally gave up on the idea of staying for night class, sent my professor an email, and booked it home to my bed. I was casual most of this week.

(Jeans are from gap and are a loose fit, top is jcrew, sweater stitch fix, and shoes the best investment of summer- I got through 2 weeks in europe sockless with these bad boys and my feet weren’t stinky I swear to you they are amazing)

Tuesday was crazy busy. I gave a lecture in the morning on campus 10 am-11 and sprinted to a local senior center in Glendale to shadow their RD for my community nutrition hours. Sarah works there and she had told everyone, including the residents, that I was coming so I really felt welcome! I really enjoyed my time there mainly because the facility is very small and the full time care ward is even smaller. The RD knows everyone’s story, name, grand children, etc. I don’t think I could ever work in a larger facility because the work is pretty hard (I’m emotional and death is something that happens more often there) and it’s very numbers based which isn’t how I work. I got a full tour of the kitchen as well and I got to try some of the veggies and soup for a snack.

The RD actually graduated from my program at CSULA so it was fun to chat with her about my classes and the professors. She was so accommodating and really walked me through charting, weight fluctuations, different meal adaptations for seniors, a little food service, and some typical stuff you see in geriatrics. I loved meeting the residents the most, just something as simple as a cute grandma telling me I looked beautiful and young made my whole day.

Wednesday I finally got to go to yoga! I haven’t been able to be in my classes (I REALLY miss zumba) due to traveling and it felt amazing to use my muscles. Also, can we just talk about how not practicing forearm stands for a few weeks makes them 20 times more difficult once they are back in your life? I lasted maybe like 4 or 5 stands before my triceps gave out. We did a lot of ab work too which felt amazing the day after- haven’t been sore in a while. With a healthy dose of endorphins I went to campus, sat through lecture, and spent the afternoon at the Y getting work done and catching up with my people. I headed to Y and G later that night and it was a great meeting! The kids are all bonded after Fresno and it’s sweet to see them let their guards down a little.

Thursday was more teaching and sitting in class. The day took a turn when my friend Kelly asked if I wanted to see the Imagine Dragons with her and 2 of our other friends because she got tickets last minute. Before I knew it we were leaving campus to drive back to my house between classes to shower so we didn’t show up to a concert wearing leggings and birkenstocks, booked it back to campus to make it to night class till 8 pm, grabbed some wine, and headed to Anaheim! We had a blast, the concert really was amazing!

We also went out after the concert and got home at 2:30 am to eat cheesy gooey quesadillas before crashing.

Friday was a rude awakening at 7:30 am but I had a meeting with a professor and volunteering hours for the food pantry for community nutrition too so I had to get my life together rather fast. My parents are visiting my sister this weekend so I had to deal with finding the dog a last minute babysitter (bless our awesome neighbors!) since I was going to be in Santa Monica till Saturday morning. I packed up clothes in the car and left to do school stuff and snuck a 30 minute nap in the back seat before heading to the West side. I ended up at Everytable for lunch at the promenade.

This company is working to provide healthy options for more people at a low price. I payed 8 bucks for this and my drink and it was so yum. I believe everyone should have access to healthy food if they want it and sadly that’s not the case for many so companies like this give me hope!

Kelly and I studied at the TOMS store, their coffee it LEGIT, and the pre gammed dinner with some Jeni’s toasted marshmallow and darkest chocolate. Great decision. We stopped by Whole Foods to grab wine, GF pasta (Kelly is Celiac), and some chicken sausage.

Our friend Lalita is a chef and her pesto was amazing. This dinner was satisfying and always good to girl talk which was our entire evening before I left to go out for a friends birthday. Not sure if I’ve told ya this but I loooooove me some gossip. Maybe thats why I like dramatic TV shows?

Ubered myself back to Kellys and she made me breakfast in the am! We adapted these GF oatmeal pancakes from Minimalist baker.

I headed home to a grocery delivery on my doorstep, a long shower, and sitting my booty on the couch. I’m planning on avoiding all my responsibilities and instead watching all my shows that I missed this week. A good use of my time? 100%

November 18, 2017 TAGS: Grad School, Life, What I Wore This Week BY: constancelyeating

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Fall Semester Goals

I have no joke been writing a number of blog posts and then in the middle of them either got cut for time or felt like I was forcing writing so nothing has been posted. As I was catching up on my favorite blogs, I was reading Robyn’s goals and it inspired me to create some for myself this new semester. Since I’m still a student most of my life revolves around the chunks of time that school is in session. I live my life by semesters and breaks- weird?

Anyways, before we leave for Europe on Monday (Vienna, Austria and then 3 towns in Italy) I want to get into a good headspace with school while I have a few moments to really be intentional. I was on campus today purchasing my parking permit so I think it’s nice and fresh in my mind.

Spain vacation last summer- my sister was an au pair!

This will be my last typical school year with 2 traditionally packed semesters and the rest of my time will be spent in my rotations. I’m taking a good number of 5000 level classes which are just the required Masters level classes in addition to community nutrition which is still a 4000 level class. I’m excited for all of them to be honest! Most excited for the class regarding counseling skills.

What I really want to work towards is this

Work hard the whole time through. I’m pretty good at this at the beginning of the semester but then let life stress me out with my other 226326 commitments that I start to doze off in preparing for class or catch myself doing other little tasks rather than stay totally focused during lecture. I want to focus on being present in all aspects of my school work.

(not a bad looking campus eh?!)

2. Continue to step outside of what is simply required. I could literally sit on my booty all day and just show up when I feel like it to class and probably still get decent grades but that’s not how I do things. I already committed to attending FNCE in October in Chicago and I want to continue to attend online seminars or other continuing education even though I’m not an RD yet. Doing this allows me to network as well as learn from RDs in the field. It’s not always easy being a little student basically gawking at RDs who have like 6 + letters after their name but it makes me step outside of my comfort zone and that’s a good thing. Also everyone was once in my shoes so I think about that!

3. No social media past 9 pm (school nights/study nights). I can get sucked into comparison to other people especially later at night when I’m just in bed reading or bored studying and need a distraction. I think with that cut off time I’ll be able to stay focused on the task at hand which most of the time is winding down or filling up on info.

4. Intentionally keep up with relationships. Keeping up with friends is hard. I’ve been out of college for about a year now and it’s such a change. This summer at camp I thought long and hard about relationships and I want to pour energy and time into those that make me a better human and that make me happy- life is too short for anything less. That might mean a few more phone calls, a written letter, or a face time call. Whatever it is I want to be a little better!

(forever thankful for Delta Zeta for bringing me this human)

5. Find just one day a week to disconnect from school. I don’t even know if this will be possible but I’m going to really really try. If you know me personally you know I have overcommitted myself since I was in high school. Currently in addition to a full course load, I’m a soccer coach, an advisor for a youth development program called Youth and Government at the YMCA, I teach 2 classes at CSULA as a teaching associate, and I will be completing my thesis this fall (not even counted in my units this semester). I also try and be present on constancelyeating. SO like I said, it will be hard.

Some advisors running on bad food and little sleep in Sacramento for the week with our Y and G teens- who btw are some of the smartest- most driven teens in the country!

That’s it. I’ll check in with you guys in December with these! What are some of your goals?!

August 5, 2017 TAGS: Grad School, Life BY: constancelyeating

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Weekend Eats

This weekend was definitely busier than I thought it would be but I loved that change of pace. Friday night my mom and I met my best friend and her mom at their house and had some wine in the backyard before ubering to dinner at a new (to me) mexican place in the Art’s District where my mom and I shared enchiladas with mole + shared some ceviche + house margs all around.

(Sarah and I hope we look this good as mammas!)

Next stop was Van Leeuwen ice cream where I had the weirdest combo of sesame black ash + chocolate cake chunk ice cream- what?! I thought I would like that flavor the least but was pleasantly surprised by the layers of flavor. Totally hit the spot. I wasn’t really hungry for a full scoop and could have done with just a few spoons if I was at home but part of intuitive eating is going with the flow of the situation and enjoying the experience even if it means pushing past when your taste buds have gotten tired. I ended the night just a little past satisfied so hey, that’s a win!

Saturday I got up and headed to the gym for an hour and 15 long step and body toning class but only made it an hour since my knee was feeling it and I wanted to honor my body. I left class and went to roll out and decided that Sunday would be 100% rest. I hopped in the shower and got ready for the Dodger game with friends. Sarah and I shared ze hot dog and frozen lemonade. I haven’t been to a Dodger game in so long it felt like the perfect way to spend a Saturday!

After getting so sweaty for hours at the game Sarah and I jumped in the pool in the backyard to cool off and showered to get ready to go to her co-workers birthday dinner. I was on friend support duty since the place we were going was new and it’s always nice to have a buddy. We ended up at Clifton’s which is one of the oldest bars in LA and its also a cafeteria type thing? Really truly confused but we found the secret tiki bar on the 3rd level so that was fun! Honestly just a lot of people watching and exploring and then getting overwhelmingly tired at around 9 pm. I blame it on the sun all day!

(Split this plate of meatloaf, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and bread- it all sounded really good and it was good!)

Sunday I let myself sleep as long as I needed to which meant till about 9 am. I woke up in a little bit of a funk and tried to shake it by eating a good breakfast and getting some coffee in my system. When that didn’t work I just decided today was going to be a funk kind of a day and let it be (still in limbo with my anxiety). I organized all my school stuff from the last quarter and 2 semesters to get ready for when we get back form Europe and then I went out for a nice stroll around Descanso Gardens with mamma Weissmuller.

After that we showered then headed for mani pedis and mass. After mass we came home to my new favorite dinner that my dad had made while we were gone. Guys you NEED to try this one! I added extra greens because my body was craving them (probably because I had a hot dog and meatloaf the day before- ha!) Ended the night with a few spoons of ice cream and one of the windmill cookies. We always vary the cookie cabinet and I love that. 98% of the time I need something sweet after dinner and the crunchy and creamy combo was really satisfying for me that night. The rest of the night was spent watching That 70’s Show with my sister since we had barely seen each other all weekend.

Overall such a great weekend! It’s so funny Sarah and I always joke about being each others only friend (we have more I swear) but it’s because are in the same phase of life right now and it’s so reassuring. That grad school and living with your parents life as a 23 year old can be so ugh when we think about a lot of our friends who just are in a different phase of life than us so it was just nice to be together not venting about school this weekend and just enjoying the summer.

Hope you had a great weekend too!

July 31, 2017 TAGS: Eats, Life BY: constancelyeating

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Lazy Weekend Recap

Happy Monday Friends!

Even though I didn’t do much, I still wanted to write a little something because it’s post day! I had a really relaxed weekend. Got some friend time in which always fills me up and I also got a lot of work done which I’m thankful for. With camp coming up next weekend an then Chicago next, lesson planning and thesis work will be the last thing on my mind.

I had a fun time trying new workouts with Athleta too on Saturday! I had a little parfait station with Siggis and Perfect bar to refuel everyone.

The best things I ate this weekend? 2 things.

This Foster’s Freeze cone.

And this brunch at Bacari in Glendale. Highly recommend!

Best thing I drank? 2 Things

Rose by the fire with my best friend and our best friend sisters. Yes my best friend has a sister who is my sister’s best friend. We love how that works!

(That’s my sister, Kate)

# 2 a super refreshing mimosa!

I also did a little shopping and found the most perfect shirt at Madewell. I did something super creative today and it actually really de-stressed me! I styled this shirt 4 ways (I’m finally growing into my style and how to wear clothes for my body and I’m LOVING IT) and I’ll share those with you later this week. Here is a basic sneak peak with no accessories! Scarf is stitch fix and jeans are loft!

This weekend was just a little blah for me. I have some stuff on my mind and sometimes I get carried away with that! Let me clarify that this is totally ok, being happy and excited 100% of this time isn’t normal which I think gets confusing when we talk about mental health. Feelings are a good thing- just as long as we can move on from those feelings towards our happy selves- you feel me?!

Our priest gave this homily last night that struck me to my core. Maybe best homily I’ve ever heard? He spoke about how it’s human nature to stop acting in a certain way out of fear. I had never really thought about life like that but it’s so true. The entire church was deeply concentrated on the topic which was something I rarely see in a Catholic mass. Think about it- we love to do certain things but the minute something comes up that may have a bad outcome we pull back because we love the way it is now and fear what the outcome could be. An example he gave was bringing up an idea to your boss that could be really awesome or worst case you could get fired. We as humans always end up at the worst case scenario first when in reality it probably wouldn’t go there at all. Maybe your boss would ignore your suggestion, maybe they would applaud you for it and promote you, maybe they would acknowledge it and say “eh” and move along. You really never know but we most often go to the worst case.

I think about a lot of worst case scenario stuff in my own head just like you do. I think about my career as an RD and then if it trails too long I start to compare myself and say “but what if I don’t help anyone” or “what if I fail“. In my head I know those won’t come true because even through this space as an RD to be- I’ve been able to help people. I know I won’t fail because there really is no failing only learning and re-formatting (which isn’t easy).

I think about failing in my relationships. I’m blessed to have some super awesome circles of friends/family/etc. but there are times I doubt my circles and my responsibilities within those circles. “Am I being a supportive and encouraging friend or daughter or niece right now?” “To what extent do I stay in my friend groups and to what extent do I branch out because were changing as individuals?”, “Do my friends still support me even if they don’t agree with a decision I’ve made?”. Stuff like that. You know how it goes!

I know you do this too in some capacity because you are human. I’m proud to be a deep thinker because it makes me an intentional person. So, that was my weekend. Some sweet time with food and friends but then some time to think. Maybe you can think about what you aren’t doing because of fear and pray on that, journal on it, express it, or just mull it over. Maybe you change your course of action or maybe you sit it out.

June 26, 2017 TAGS: Eats, Life BY: constancelyeating

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Trusting Myself

Less than an hour ago my psychiatrist told me that I’m done with my anxiety meds. Within literally 3 minutes I went from elated to proud to doubtful. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of myself for the progress I’ve made with my mental health in the last 2 years but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared without my medication crutch beside me. I’ve been on meds for 2 years and they have helped me immensely.

(I spend more time with family than I do with friends as of now and that’s what I need and want. Call me a weird 23 year old if you want but I’ll just be here with my sweet Oma drinking her first iced coffee with her if ya need me!)

When I started my meds I was crying nearly every day, I hyperventilated as a test was being circled around the room, and I had constant thoughts of inadequacy because I compared myself to so many people. Now? Now I smile every day, cry sometimes because I’m an emotional human, feel confident in my studying as the exam is being passed around the room, and I’m content with myself as human.

(An amazingly cheesy flatbread at happy hour the other day at Magnolia House in Pasadena)

Meds were not the only thing that helped this transition happen. The meds kept me calm enough to learn about myself and how to cope with my feelings in a constructive way. They let me sign up for therapy, try and fall in love with yoga and meaningful movement, quit my Zumba instructor license because it didn’t make me happy anymore, look at my body in the mirror and say “you look great con”, and they let me feel emotions for the normal amount of time emotions need to be felt.

(Whole Wheat Banana Bread from Lee– I think she’s super cool!)

What I realized in this half hour post appointment is that what I need to do now and what we all need to do is trust ourselves. I am more than capable of living a life with no meds for the time being. Maybe life will throw me another curve ball and I’ll have to re-evaulate but as of now I want to trust that I have learned enough to be a confident, happy human. I mean imagine if we just stopped worrying about the what if’s about food, body image, relationships, work, and just did it. Now more than ever I’m just doing it and it feels really good.

I’m eating the food my body craves whenever it craves it, I’m moving in a way I enjoy, I’m surrounding myself with the people I want to be surrounded by, and I’m choosing activities that make me happy, not another person. I used to do this thing where I wanted to please others so much I forgot that pleasing myself was important too. Let me tell you, pleasing others will bring you little joy. Doing what makes you happy is the most important and then and only then can we think of others. Selfish? No. I believe that before we can focus on others or help others we need to help ourselves or at least begin to help ourselves so we can be open and ready.

(This cooking light salad for dinner one night this week- LOVED IT)

So I’m writing this to mark a happy time in my life. If you are struggling with any sort of mental health issue do yourself a favor and ask for help. I promise you won’t regret it and there is nothing wrong with it! I am happier than I have ever been and I feel like life is sort of my oyster right now. Go out and trust yourself because you are more than capable of doing so.

(Birthday dinner at Bacari one of my favorite places!)

HAPPY MONDAY!

June 5, 2017 TAGS: Anxiety, Eats, Grad School, Life BY: constancelyeating

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Constancelyeating

Constancelyeating

Tag: Life

Taking A BREAK.

It’s OK To Just Do A Little

The Importance Of Hobbies

2017

My Intuitive Eating Journey

Weekly Eats, Outfits, and 23

Fall Semester Goals

Weekend Eats

Lazy Weekend Recap

Trusting Myself